And the winner is…(part 2!)

The best snowman on the street!

Who is more the cold fish…the snowman or Stella?!

And the winner is…

(Look away now if you don’t want to know!!!!)

Yep…it is the ‘cold’ Stella.

It’ll be interesting to see how she fares…personally, don’t think she’ll last long.

I say this as someone who has worked with him… I give it nine months, she’ll get bored.

well…hello…

wow…can’t believe it’s been so long.

where has the time gone?!

But I am back!

Lots been going on…most of it shit to be honest but not going to vent on it just yet.

Instead, here are some pictures of the snow that’s hit London in the past few days!

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New poll – does HIV status change opinions?

Following the success of my last poll (on Mason Wyler’s outing of his HIV status), I’ve decided to do a follow up.

when's the right time to discuss HIV? Now...?

It is posted on the right hand side of my blog….that’s right, over on that side there ——–>

The poll actually relates to the other story I mentioned when discussing Mason’s status.

The pop star was arrested and put on trial for infecting her partners as she hadn’t told them her status.

Now, let me be clear – I am not condoning her behaviour at all.

However, I’m interested in the thought process of those that are HIV positive and what might stop them from telling potential sexual partners their status.

So the poll asks whether knowing someone’s HIV status would change your mind on whether you’d have sex with them?

It’s a discussion that all adults should have but I’m pretty sure that most people would rather be blissfully ignorant rather than discuss it just before having sex.

My own experience has been pretty interesting but I’ll tell those stories once the results are in.

The poll will be up for seven days.

So get voting!

A year later and yet only 3 months on…

Happy Anniversary

OK…so it’s more than three months since I was diagnosed as HIV positive and it’s clear that it’s about 12 months since I was infected but today was my ‘three month check up’ with my consultant since my first proper appointment where I found out my CD4 count and my viral load.

So it is an anniversary of sorts…

So what’s changed in those three months?

Honestly, not a lot.

My CD4 count (which was pretty good first time round) has dipped a bit but nothing major. My viral load is still decreasing, which is also good and apparently, there’s no need to put me on any meds yet.

This is all good – apparently.

And yet, a year on from infection – how come I feel like I’m not doing enough to fight this deadly virus in my body? This thing that is killing me is doing whatever it is doing and yet, I’m still living life as if nothing has changed.

Clearly it has – and will never be reversed. Part of me wants to do everything physically, emotionally and mentally (sometimes even spiritually) to fight this fucking disease and make it all go away.

Just give me the fucking pills and make it all better.

But it don’t work like that – that’s the sick thing about it all. It is new to me but I’ve got to just carry on and when the time comes, it comes.

Over the past year, I’ve learnt a new phrase and it’s become my motto:

“it is what it is”

When I first heard it, I thought it was a pretty damn lazy thing to say and negated the person’s responsibility for the situation.

However, through time I’ve realised that is neither of those things – at the heart of it, is the acceptance of what is happening or has happened.

It doesn’t stop responsibility for the individuals involved, it doesn’t stop you from doing anything about the situation but from a place of quiet acceptance (or ‘calm’), you then have the power and/or determination to get on with the situation and do the best you possibly can do.

Life goes on.

In the three months since that first meeting with the consultant, that is exactly what I have found. Acceptance of the situation – determination to do everything in my power to fight it but also not to fret or worry about the things I can’t do.

In the meantime, live my life – experience everything I was going to do before and share my life with those who are the most important in my life.

So happy anniversary – may there be many more for all of us.

Freaky…but proud!

Yes, I’m coming back to this.

Anyway, even though I’ve been away for quite a while – there’s still quite a few people looking at the blog every day which is fantastic.

(I promise I’ll do better at keeping up with posts!)

Anyway, looking through the stats of how many hits and where people are coming from, there was a weird referring link today….Facebook!

First, I freaked that I had put something on my facebook profile that I didn’t remember…ummm, no.

So I clicked on the link…it opened on the page you get saying that you’re just about to leave Facebook and do you trust the link, blah blah…so it doesn’t tell me where it came from.

DAMN!

I’m now not worried, just intrigued who is referring people to my blog from Facebook and why. If anyone can explain, I’d love to know.

It’s amazing where things that I arrive end up.

Kinda proud but definitely intrigued!

Worst vacation EVAH!

You know that feeling when expectations are SO high? Well in hindsight, that’s what I went on vacation with. Probably my biggest mistake of the whole trip.

A painful one and seems to be terminal when it comes to my relationship.

Lesson learnt I guess.

Still gotta say that it was the worst vacation EVAH.

Will post more in coming days when I’ve digested more and can work out the lessons…

Sorry

for the silence.

Pretty manic week – I go on holiday to America tomorrow and have had to concentrate on work.

Ended on a pretty hard day… several people fired at work and had to explain it to rest of company. An ‘interesting’ experience.

Can’t wait to get on the plane tomorrow morning…lots of pleasures (hopefully) await as well as the man I love.

Fantastic

Sorry it’s taken me time to post this – had problems with YouTube and WordPress integrating but it’s still worth it posting.

Just hilarious and doesn’t need me saying anything more than that…

While I’m at it…

Let’s promote another bad thing about gay people!

We are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO desperate to have positive role models that we hook onto any piece of ‘tittle tattle’ about the sexuality any man/woman that is in the media spotlight and is even the slightest bit photogenic.

I know it’s been like it for years but it’s getting out of control.

When someone like the Manhunt blog can re-print ‘gossip’ which is so undescriptive that each part could refer to different people…that is obviously their right (enshrined in the US constitution)

BUT

When they then post several pictures of one particular person, they are seriously over-stepping the mark (both legally and morally).

I just hope that the person who has been pictured decides to take legal action…they need to think more before doing such things.

Sermon and complaining over for tonight!

So it continues…

God, gays can be pretty evil can’t they/we?

If it isn’t enough that someone took it upon themselves to let the rest of the ‘gay’ world that Mason Wyler is HIV positive, the fact that he confirmed the story means that people are spreading rumours/stories about him.

He’s now had to put up another post on his blog denying those stories. You can tell that he’s near breaking point.

Seriously, the guy is already going through hell – LEAVE HIM ALONE!

Disgusting

There are two stories related to HIV that have appeared in the last few days.

Firstly, today the well-known gay porn star Mason Wyler has confirmed on his blog that he is HIV positive. This happened because a former room-mate decided to put it on his Twitter page.

Obviously, there is some shit going on between the former roomies (as you can see from his tweets over the past few days)…

This was the picked up by a gay gossip website called ‘gayporngossip‘ (subtle eh?) who then outlined a lot more details.

They imply that all they are doing is reporting another website’s report but actually, they go a lot further:

Gaygossip's inappropriate take on Mason's sad news

So although Mason did confirm the news on his own blog, they ran the story before he was ready to announce it and secondly, that graphic over his image is pretty disgusting/inappropriate.

To brand him in such a public forum without his permission is a particularly sick action. To announce your health status to your friends, family, work or the wider world is a personal decision and one that only you can make once you are ready for those people to know.

Obviously, having read the article it’s is clear that the porn industry has known more for a while but does that give that website the right to take the ‘opportunity’ to detail it all, actually before he had confirmed it himself.

Me thinks not – only my personal opinion and probably a lot stronger than most people’s feelings as I have also had to deal with the shock of finding out that I’m HIV positive. My close friends know my status, as do a very select group of people at work (because they need to) but my family don’t know nor do a lot of my wider social network.

I’m not ready to tell them – they will know when I’m ready and not before.

What gives this website the right to announce Mason’s status? I don’t believe they have the right and never will. Nothing in their post explaining the situation is a justification for doing it, although I can imagine they believe it is.

The second story is the trial of a former German girl band member who is accused of infecting a partner by not informing them that she was HIV positive prior to having unprotected sex.

This brings up lots of issues of consent, whether sex a joint decision and therefore, both parties have to take joint responsibility of the repercussions from those actions if they’ve not openly discussed what they’re about to do, etc.

Now I’m realistic enough to know that people don’t sit down and both take a lie detector test or fill out a full questionnaire on their sexual history and health but where does the line lie?

Once again (and this is very much from a personal perspective), I can’t blame the person who made me positive…I’m more likely to blame myself for not asking the right questions. I have to take responsibility for my actions (or in this situation, my in-action).

This person writing in the Guardian has an interesting perspective…I’m not saying it’s totally right but there’s definitely some nuggets of truth in it.

Any other thoughts that you want to share?

How can something that feels SOOO good, be SOOO bad?!

yes, you know that feeling…that extra bit of chocolate, ‘just‘ one more glass of wine, that one more bump of ketamine (ha!)…you know you want them and yet, you know you’re gonna pay for it next day in some way.

Does it stop you from doing it? Of course not!

The thing is…there are some things that might be bad for you but they’re not THAT bad and you can deal with it.

Problem I have is that the thing that I know is bad for me, is REALLY bad for me but it doesn’t stop me wanting it.

What is this thing?

sit on that raw dick!

bareback sex!

There I’ve said it…I love bareback sex. There is no feeling like it in the world and anyone who says otherwise, has never had bareback sex.

Now as a gay man, I know we all supposedly know the risks but when you’ve experienced something that feels THAT amazing, all concern/thoughts/worries/panic disappears as you succumb to the intensity and explosion of emotions and sensations when you fuck raw.

[Sorry, there’s no other way to describe it]

And yet, I now know from personal experience that it can be devastatingly bad.

Earlier this year, I was diagnosed as HIV positive.

Am I still coming to terms with that news? Probably.

Was it a huge shock? Honestly, not really.

Lesson learnt? Nope.

I crave it, dream of it, want it constantly…

When I watch porn, I only seem to get off to bareback stuff.

Does that mean I now only fuck bareback? no.

I’m now in a relationship with an HIV negative guy – we fuck with condoms, I love sex with him.

Do I wish it was bareback? God yes…would do anything for his beautiful cock raw in me and unloading his cum deep inside my ass.

As I said, I crave raw sex and know he would love that too but we don’t because as much as it feels soooooooooooooooooooooo  good, it would be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.

But I can’t stop thinking about this:

want that to be me!

Please will someone do this to me?!

At last

Someone speaks sensibly and interprets the US Constitution correctly rather than the ridiculous Republican rhetoric that gets thrown around:

Happens that the person to stand up and say it, is the President.

But that’s what the President is there for – be a stable hand and reasonable voice when people go stupid and forget the common decency that we should expect and reward everyone.

Although – it is about time, as this issue has been flying around for several weeks but better late than never.

I just wish he would be as forthcoming over Prop 8 and the issue of gay marriage.

Come on President Obama, set the example again and support the issue of fundamental rights for all.

Does boredom breed genius?

I was on Twitter this morning and I saw a tweet from the lovely Evan Davis, a presenter on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme:

The lovely Evan Davis

Well into the schoool hols now. We discuss boredom in the next half hour.. do we have enough of it these days?

There’s a well-known phrase that says that ‘boredom breeds contempt’, so Evan’s question peaked my interest.

The implication is that boredom is something we don’t do enough of, that it has its use/requirement and that we’re worse off because we don’t “have enough of it”.

REALLY?

How can there be a well-known phrase that says that boredom breeds contempt and yet, there are people arguing that we need boredom?

Which is it? Do we need boredom or does it destroy us by generating contempt?

The point of the phrase about it breeding contempt is that boredom in any relationship will end up with the people hating each other but does that mean boredom is a bad thing?

Not necessarily – the lesson of ‘boredom breeds contempt’ is to challenge those involved in any relationship not to be complacent, rather than ‘boring’.

Being bored is different to being boring. Boredom challenges us as human beings to be different…to be human…to think and contemplate…and then do. And from that action, surely anything is possible…including the opportunity for a genius to be born/created!

But you can’t do anything, if you’ve not experienced the boredom and the thinking…action always should come out of thought, so boredom is surely essential to that process?

But if we NEED boredom, why don’t we have it? Surely it’s because society is fixated with being entertained or feels the need to always be doing something. Is that really what we’ve become?

Are we really adrenalin junkies that don’t like the quiet and won’t accept that boredom is as important in our development as doing anything fun or eventful?

Thing is that I don’t have any answer to that…probably because I don’t want to admit to myself that that’s what I’m like.

But if boredom is gonna make me a better person, then maybe I should submit sometimes?

A day like today

We all have days that we just want to be over as quickly as possible as well as days that are the best ever and you never want them to stop.

Then there are days like today.

Not a day to hate, not a day to cherish but certainly a day I will remember.

Work was busy, office morale is low, people feel under-valued but life has to go on. We all know that the economy is still shit – people have been let go and the people left behind feel hard done by.

I got a supplier to come in and do something nice for everyone and half the office didn’t turn up. Nice to see the support people…! But it is what it is.

Then this afternoon, I had to go visit a hospice which is supported by the company. First time I’ve ever been to a place like that (probably won’t be my last in either a professional or personal capacity).

I’ll be honest…I didn’t want to go and had postponed doing it for at least two months.

I had no idea what to expect but part of me really didn’t want to go cause you know it’s gonna be full of people facing death in one way or another. After all, cutting through all the bull-shit, that’s what a hospice is there for.

I won’t go into the full details of everything I saw but the key thing I came away with was that life goes on. Yes, life is shit at times and I can’t start to imagine what the people I met today have to go through.

I went into the ‘grieving centre’ – the what? yes, the grieving centre. I walked in not really knowing what I was walking into, it looked like every other room that I’d been in up to that point. But then you realise that the pictures on the walls are generic ‘religious’ scenes…you know the ones – a small hand in the palm of an older, larger hand, pictures of really beautiful, tranquil landscapes and sunsets, etc. And then I was taken into a side room, which looked like any other of the hospice rooms for their patients.

except

It had this extra door…covered by a large, thick and heavy-looking blue curtain and the bed in the room was very clearly a hospital bed rather than a hospital bed made to look more ‘homely’.

All of a sudden, I realise “shit, this ain’t a grieving centre…this a ‘viewing the dead body’ room!’

The curtain covered the ‘back entrance’ where the body was wheeled in and out…

All the nice things that I’d seen up to that point disappear. The reality of what you’re facing and what the hospice actually is, hits you head-on.

Outside the window to the grieving centre was a small garden and a tree of remembrance – each ‘leaf’ having the name of a patient and how old they were.

A tree of remembrance

That is something I will never forget seeing – that puts all the shit that goes on in life into perspective and actually makes you appreciate the little good things that happen – like a dog who is happy to see you when you get home from work and the fact that someone smiled at work. Shite you might say…but had an impact on me.

The people who worked at the hospice were happy, the patients I met were all smiles (which I couldn’t get my head round!) and it seemed a happy place in the midst of what must be the toughest circumstances.

The staff talked about the patients as having ‘life-limiting’ conditions – not dying, not terminal diseases, not disabled…just life-limiting but not something that stops life going on or making the life that they do have, the best possible.

As someone who has a terminal disease with no cure – it was hard not to project any of my own insecurities onto the situation and yet, looking in on the potential end of other people’s lives wasn’t a sad experience nor (obviously) a happy one but certainly one I won’t forget in a while and made me thankful for the small things that do go right everyday.

Shit happens (as Forrest Gump said!) but life does go on…one day at a time.

Cliche but true.