Tag Archives: good

A year later and yet only 3 months on…

Happy Anniversary

OK…so it’s more than three months since I was diagnosed as HIV positive and it’s clear that it’s about 12 months since I was infected but today was my ‘three month check up’ with my consultant since my first proper appointment where I found out my CD4 count and my viral load.

So it is an anniversary of sorts…

So what’s changed in those three months?

Honestly, not a lot.

My CD4 count (which was pretty good first time round) has dipped a bit but nothing major. My viral load is still decreasing, which is also good and apparently, there’s no need to put me on any meds yet.

This is all good – apparently.

And yet, a year on from infection – how come I feel like I’m not doing enough to fight this deadly virus in my body? This thing that is killing me is doing whatever it is doing and yet, I’m still living life as if nothing has changed.

Clearly it has – and will never be reversed. Part of me wants to do everything physically, emotionally and mentally (sometimes even spiritually) to fight this fucking disease and make it all go away.

Just give me the fucking pills and make it all better.

But it don’t work like that – that’s the sick thing about it all. It is new to me but I’ve got to just carry on and when the time comes, it comes.

Over the past year, I’ve learnt a new phrase and it’s become my motto:

“it is what it is”

When I first heard it, I thought it was a pretty damn lazy thing to say and negated the person’s responsibility for the situation.

However, through time I’ve realised that is neither of those things – at the heart of it, is the acceptance of what is happening or has happened.

It doesn’t stop responsibility for the individuals involved, it doesn’t stop you from doing anything about the situation but from a place of quiet acceptance (or ‘calm’), you then have the power and/or determination to get on with the situation and do the best you possibly can do.

Life goes on.

In the three months since that first meeting with the consultant, that is exactly what I have found. Acceptance of the situation – determination to do everything in my power to fight it but also not to fret or worry about the things I can’t do.

In the meantime, live my life – experience everything I was going to do before and share my life with those who are the most important in my life.

So happy anniversary – may there be many more for all of us.

How can something that feels SOOO good, be SOOO bad?!

yes, you know that feeling…that extra bit of chocolate, ‘just‘ one more glass of wine, that one more bump of ketamine (ha!)…you know you want them and yet, you know you’re gonna pay for it next day in some way.

Does it stop you from doing it? Of course not!

The thing is…there are some things that might be bad for you but they’re not THAT bad and you can deal with it.

Problem I have is that the thing that I know is bad for me, is REALLY bad for me but it doesn’t stop me wanting it.

What is this thing?

sit on that raw dick!

bareback sex!

There I’ve said it…I love bareback sex. There is no feeling like it in the world and anyone who says otherwise, has never had bareback sex.

Now as a gay man, I know we all supposedly know the risks but when you’ve experienced something that feels THAT amazing, all concern/thoughts/worries/panic disappears as you succumb to the intensity and explosion of emotions and sensations when you fuck raw.

[Sorry, there’s no other way to describe it]

And yet, I now know from personal experience that it can be devastatingly bad.

Earlier this year, I was diagnosed as HIV positive.

Am I still coming to terms with that news? Probably.

Was it a huge shock? Honestly, not really.

Lesson learnt? Nope.

I crave it, dream of it, want it constantly…

When I watch porn, I only seem to get off to bareback stuff.

Does that mean I now only fuck bareback? no.

I’m now in a relationship with an HIV negative guy – we fuck with condoms, I love sex with him.

Do I wish it was bareback? God yes…would do anything for his beautiful cock raw in me and unloading his cum deep inside my ass.

As I said, I crave raw sex and know he would love that too but we don’t because as much as it feels soooooooooooooooooooooo¬† good, it would be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.

But I can’t stop thinking about this:

want that to be me!

Please will someone do this to me?!