A year later and yet only 3 months on…

Happy Anniversary

OK…so it’s more than three months since I was diagnosed as HIV positive and it’s clear that it’s about 12 months since I was infected but today was my ‘three month check up’ with my consultant since my first proper appointment where I found out my CD4 count and my viral load.

So it is an anniversary of sorts…

So what’s changed in those three months?

Honestly, not a lot.

My CD4 count (which was pretty good first time round) has dipped a bit but nothing major. My viral load is still decreasing, which is also good and apparently, there’s no need to put me on any meds yet.

This is all good – apparently.

And yet, a year on from infection – how come I feel like I’m not doing enough to fight this deadly virus in my body? This thing that is killing me is doing whatever it is doing and yet, I’m still living life as if nothing has changed.

Clearly it has – and will never be reversed. Part of me wants to do everything physically, emotionally and mentally (sometimes even spiritually) to fight this fucking disease and make it all go away.

Just give me the fucking pills and make it all better.

But it don’t work like that – that’s the sick thing about it all. It is new to me but I’ve got to just carry on and when the time comes, it comes.

Over the past year, I’ve learnt a new phrase and it’s become my motto:

“it is what it is”

When I first heard it, I thought it was a pretty damn lazy thing to say and negated the person’s responsibility for the situation.

However, through time I’ve realised that is neither of those things – at the heart of it, is the acceptance of what is happening or has happened.

It doesn’t stop responsibility for the individuals involved, it doesn’t stop you from doing anything about the situation but from a place of quiet acceptance (or ‘calm’), you then have the power and/or determination to get on with the situation and do the best you possibly can do.

Life goes on.

In the three months since that first meeting with the consultant, that is exactly what I have found. Acceptance of the situation – determination to do everything in my power to fight it but also not to fret or worry about the things I can’t do.

In the meantime, live my life – experience everything I was going to do before and share my life with those who are the most important in my life.

So happy anniversary – may there be many more for all of us.

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