You know that feeling when expectations are SO high? Well in hindsight, that’s what I went on vacation with. Probably my biggest mistake of the whole trip.
A painful one and seems to be terminal when it comes to my relationship.
Lesson learnt I guess.
Still gotta say that it was the worst vacation EVAH.
Will post more in coming days when I’ve digested more and can work out the lessons…
There are two stories related to HIV that have appeared in the last few days.
Firstly, today the well-known gay porn star Mason Wyler has confirmed on his blog that he is HIV positive. This happened because a former room-mate decided to put it on his Twitter page.
Obviously, there is some shit going on between the former roomies (as you can see from his tweets over the past few days)…
This was the picked up by a gay gossip website called ‘gayporngossip‘ (subtle eh?) who then outlined a lot more details.
They imply that all they are doing is reporting another website’s report but actually, they go a lot further:
Gaygossip's inappropriate take on Mason's sad news
So although Mason did confirm the news on his own blog, they ran the story before he was ready to announce it and secondly, that graphic over his image is pretty disgusting/inappropriate.
To brand him in such a public forum without his permission is a particularly sick action. To announce your health status to your friends, family, work or the wider world is a personal decision and one that only you can make once you are ready for those people to know.
Obviously, having read the article it’s is clear that the porn industry has known more for a while but does that give that website the right to take the ‘opportunity’ to detail it all, actually before he had confirmed it himself.
Me thinks not – only my personal opinion and probably a lot stronger than most people’s feelings as I have also had to deal with the shock of finding out that I’m HIV positive. My close friends know my status, as do a very select group of people at work (because they need to) but my family don’t know nor do a lot of my wider social network.
I’m not ready to tell them – they will know when I’m ready and not before.
What gives this website the right to announce Mason’s status? I don’t believe they have the right and never will. Nothing in their post explaining the situation is a justification for doing it, although I can imagine they believe it is.
The second story is the trial of a former German girl band member who is accused of infecting a partner by not informing them that she was HIV positive prior to having unprotected sex.
This brings up lots of issues of consent, whether sex a joint decision and therefore, both parties have to take joint responsibility of the repercussions from those actions if they’ve not openly discussed what they’re about to do, etc.
Now I’m realistic enough to know that people don’t sit down and both take a lie detector test or fill out a full questionnaire on their sexual history and health but where does the line lie?
Once again (and this is very much from a personal perspective), I can’t blame the person who made me positive…I’m more likely to blame myself for not asking the right questions. I have to take responsibility for my actions (or in this situation, my in-action).
This person writing in the Guardian has an interesting perspective…I’m not saying it’s totally right but there’s definitely some nuggets of truth in it.
Any other thoughts that you want to share?
yes, you know that feeling…that extra bit of chocolate, ‘just‘ one more glass of wine, that one more bump of ketamine (ha!)…you know you want them and yet, you know you’re gonna pay for it next day in some way.
Does it stop you from doing it? Of course not!
The thing is…there are some things that might be bad for you but they’re not THAT bad and you can deal with it.
Problem I have is that the thing that I know is bad for me, is REALLY bad for me but it doesn’t stop me wanting it.
What is this thing?
sit on that raw dick!
bareback sex!
There I’ve said it…I love bareback sex. There is no feeling like it in the world and anyone who says otherwise, has never had bareback sex.
Now as a gay man, I know we all supposedly know the risks but when you’ve experienced something that feels THAT amazing, all concern/thoughts/worries/panic disappears as you succumb to the intensity and explosion of emotions and sensations when you fuck raw.
[Sorry, there’s no other way to describe it]
And yet, I now know from personal experience that it can be devastatingly bad.
Earlier this year, I was diagnosed as HIV positive.
Am I still coming to terms with that news? Probably.
Was it a huge shock? Honestly, not really.
Lesson learnt? Nope.
I crave it, dream of it, want it constantly…
When I watch porn, I only seem to get off to bareback stuff.
Does that mean I now only fuck bareback? no.
I’m now in a relationship with an HIV negative guy – we fuck with condoms, I love sex with him.
Do I wish it was bareback? God yes…would do anything for his beautiful cock raw in me and unloading his cum deep inside my ass.
As I said, I crave raw sex and know he would love that too but we don’t because as much as it feels soooooooooooooooooooooo good, it would be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.
But I can’t stop thinking about this:
want that to be me!
Please will someone do this to me?!
I was on Twitter this morning and I saw a tweet from the lovely Evan Davis, a presenter on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme:
The lovely Evan Davis
Well into the schoool hols now. We discuss boredom in the next half hour.. do we have enough of it these days?
There’s a well-known phrase that says that ‘boredom breeds contempt’, so Evan’s question peaked my interest.
The implication is that boredom is something we don’t do enough of, that it has its use/requirement and that we’re worse off because we don’t “have enough of it”.
REALLY?
How can there be a well-known phrase that says that boredom breeds contempt and yet, there are people arguing that we need boredom?
Which is it? Do we need boredom or does it destroy us by generating contempt?
The point of the phrase about it breeding contempt is that boredom in any relationship will end up with the people hating each other but does that mean boredom is a bad thing?
Not necessarily – the lesson of ‘boredom breeds contempt’ is to challenge those involved in any relationship not to be complacent, rather than ‘boring’.
Being bored is different to being boring. Boredom challenges us as human beings to be different…to be human…to think and contemplate…and then do. And from that action, surely anything is possible…including the opportunity for a genius to be born/created!
But you can’t do anything, if you’ve not experienced the boredom and the thinking…action always should come out of thought, so boredom is surely essential to that process?
But if we NEED boredom, why don’t we have it? Surely it’s because society is fixated with being entertained or feels the need to always be doing something. Is that really what we’ve become?
Are we really adrenalin junkies that don’t like the quiet and won’t accept that boredom is as important in our development as doing anything fun or eventful?
Thing is that I don’t have any answer to that…probably because I don’t want to admit to myself that that’s what I’m like.
But if boredom is gonna make me a better person, then maybe I should submit sometimes?
Posted in Personal
Tagged boredom, contempt, evan davis, genius, me, need, self analysis, today programme, twitter
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